10 Things People Should Know About Grief…

1. Grief is the last “living” connection to a loved one who has died. When you expect someone to “get over” their grief, remember you are expecting them to leave their loved one behind and move on. Think it over in terms of your own loved ones; think of it in terms of losing someone you cannot imagine living without. People who are grieving cannot move on just because others want them to. They move on when they are able to, and to some degree they will always grieve their loss.

2. Grief is often self-perceived as a last “living connection” to a loved one, and trying to escape it often puts the griever between the proverbial rock and a hard place. While the griever desperately wants to move beyond the pain and escape the terrifying reality of their losses, they will need weeks, months or even years, to separate from the living connection to their loved one; and then to find a new “place” in their life for the person who has died. Those who have loved and lost do not simply one day discard their loss. They must find a place for it in their lives that allows them to find hope and healing.

3. Grievers need to talk about their loss and grief as a therapeutic way to slowly accept and adjust to the reality of their loss; to make sense of it and to begin to heal from it. In order to do this, they will need to repeat their story over and over as they dissect and examine the many pieces that make up the their journey with loss.

4. Loss and grief do not discriminate. It can and often does happen to everyone at some point of his or her lifetime. Instead of hiding from grief because it makes you uncomfortable, it is better to offeer support and ask questions. Sharing will help the griever to cope, and the understanding and insight you will gain will help you to better understand loss and grief when it one day personally touches your own life.

5. Grievers sometimes need time to grieve alone. It is not a negative reflection on others, it is a simple truth. So offer your support, and when someone needs to be alone with their sadness, offer to be there when needed, then let them grieve alone. 

6. Grief belongs to the griever. It is theirs alone; they own it. Others need to understand that, respect it, and not to judge it. It is okay for supporters to let it be so until the griever slowly finds their way forward. Being supportive is being all you can be.

7. Loss understandably makes loved ones sometimes angry and  volatile. Their anger is not at you, though you may feel that way at times. Try to be understanding and not take it personally.

8. Survivors will gradually learn to better cope with and accept their losses for what they are, though it will never be completely 100% okay. A loved one has died and is never coming back. Please don’t expect people to get over it next week, next month, or next year. They don’t get over it, but rather slowly accept it and learn to cope with it better.

9. Death changes lives forever. While survivors adapt, their lives will never be the same as they were prior to a loss. Don’t be surprised by this, and instead, learn to adapt with them.

10. Nothing is absolute in grief or healing and there will be setbacks.  Supporters often believe someone’s grief should be “over” long before that person is even able to truly begin to move forward. Relationships with friends and family are commonly tested at a time when understanding and closeness is needed the most. Don’t give up on those who need your support, and someday they may do the same for you.

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

 

Faith & Suicide

Having lost loved ones to suicide, I am deeply saddened and feel abandoned when the Christian faith I look to for support and comfort judge and condemn victims of suicides. While I certainly do not support or advocate suicide, nowhere in The Holy Bible does it exclude from Heaven our loved ones who have taken their own lives. In fact, Jesus said the only unforgivable sin was blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, so I am often mystified by seemingly-sanctimonious condemnations of suicide victims on “God’s behalf.” After all, would any loving and compassionate father forever turn away from his child for making a choice borne of deep anguish and pain? You decide… I have my answer.

While everyone must draw their own conclusions at day’s end, I for one do not believe even for a millisecond, that God excludes from Heaven our loved ones who have taken their own lives in anguish and pain, and it is truly disheartening to me that anyone could.

“We are saved by grace, not by confession of our sin.” (Matthew 12:31)

Christian religions teach that God is full of love, compassion and mercy, and as we place our faith and trust in Him, we must do so absolutely. And to believe that suicide is self-murder, is to oversimplify a very painful and complicated situation. Suicide is never a good choice, but it is a reality that will continue to pervade our society for all time. Thankfully, it does seem that a growing number of western religious leaders are beginning to faithfully support the belief that mentally or terminally ill suicides will be shown mercy by God in response to their suffering.

If you are contemplating suicide you MUST immediately pick up the phone and seek help. Please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at (1-800-273-TALK) or 911 and contact a family member, friend, hospital or minister right away to get the help you need and deserve.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

Grief and Spirituality

Even the most faithful of faiths and belief-systems have had the foundations of their existence challenged by death for millenniums. Just ask anyone who has suffered a devastating loss, and you will find many who agree. I, along with millions of others across the world was shocked when letters written by by Mother Theresa of Calcutta revealed that she was long-tormented by doubts in her faith, having witnessed so much suffering and death firsthand during her lifetime. Yet it is these very doubts that reaffirm the human nature in Mother Theresa (and all of us), and ultimately bears witness to the great strength of her faith. After all, did she not persevere with her work to alleviate suffering until her final days, despite all of her tormenting doubts?

Having one’s faith challenged by a devastating loss is not uncommon and, in fact, seems quite a natural response to the death of a loved one that brings such great pain and so many unanswerable questions. It is okay to be angry with your god if that is what you feel, because all feelings are valid. For the greatness in God is in knowing that He understands your anger and doubts, and most surely expects them.

In the end it is reconciliation, one way or another, which really matters. Perhaps you will relinquish your faith in the face of adversity and travel a new path; or maybe you will explore your faith in a new light and persevere like Mother Theresa, despite your doubts.

These questions have plagued the masses since the beginnings of humankind, but they also open new paths that can lead to great spiritual growth, peace and solace through life’s challenges. To doubt is simply human nature.

 

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net