Preparing To Say Goodbye and Other Challenges of the Heart
March 17, 2009 by John Pete, GC-C
Filed under Featured Articles, Spiritual
I found out this week that my father’s several years-long battle with cancer has moved to a terminal stage. And while the news is not completely unexpected, it is a frightening jolt to be faced with his mortality in terms of months, all the same. My father has quietly admitted that he is afraid and not yet ready to die; heartbreaking words from someone whose emotions are usually very reserved.
My dad would likely be surprised to know that I have always seen him as one of the strongest men I have ever known, despite the fact that there have been many differences between us. He has not lived a perfect life by any means, and he has certainly made his share of mistakes. But I have always admired the strength of character he has displayed throughout his life.
My parents divorced when I was very young, and I have often reflected on this with a sadness that my father and I have not been very close throug the years. While many in our family have believed it is because of our differences, the truth is, it is morseo because we are so much alike in many ways. And no matter how many disagreements there have been, or how much time we spent apart throughout our lives, I have never - ever wavered in my love for my father. And deep in my heart I will always be that little boy excitedly waiting to see his “daddy” on weekend visits and holidays; and he will always be the father I have been so proud of, and quick to defend to others.
A little over a year ago my dad lost his mother to congential heart failure in hospice. I watched my father intently as he sat by grandma’s bedside day after day holding her hand, wetting her dry lips with a damp cloth, and gently stroking her hair. And I watched his quiet tears when she took her last breaths and eventually passed. It was a very touching side to my father that I have very rarely witnessed.
Then just a few weeks ago we lost our much beloved dog, Tucker, and I was very surprised to receive a call from dad, saying he was sorry to hear about her passing. I was not surprised because I beoieve he lacks compassion, but because I have so rarely seen him express his feelings in this way. We talked about how much people love their pets and how they insert themselves into our lives as cherished family members. And it later occurred to me how much we both have changed over the years; how we have finally allowed each other to see our vulnerabilities, and to respect our differences without judging each other so harshly. And more importantly we have opened ourselves up to expressing ourselves to one another in new ways, and by saying “I love you” whenever we see each other or talk on the phone. Quite an accomplishment for us.
So now, as the precious commodity of time diminishes into the frightening inevitability of what lies ahead, I ask myself how I can comfort my father in final days, and how I will ever be able to say goodbye. And the unexpected answer is, I will do it by being my father’s son. By summoning the compassion, courage and strength in myself that I have found in him beneath a tough, reserved exterior. The man that I have discovered on a long and complex journey, which has led us both to more personal and spiritual growth than either of us could have imagined.
John Pete is a certified grief counselor and the founder MyGriefspace.Net, a peer support site for those grieving the loss of a loved one.
A Spiritual Connection To Our Pet Companions
March 2, 2009 by John Pete, GC-C
Filed under Featured Articles, Grief and Loss, Spiritual
Picture the humorous sight of a Golden Retriever with short, little Corgi legs and you have a glimpse of our precious Tucker, who died February 21, 2009 at age 16 1/2. Tucker was truly a ray of sunshine in our lives. She was always there to greet us at the door with her big brown trusting eyes, an enthusiastic wag of her tail, and a bark of elation as if we were returning from a long journey instead of an hour or two away from home. Little did she know that we were as eager to see her as she was to see us.
I will always remember Tucker for being very content to snuggle under the blankets with me on countless cold winter nights; and the humorous site of only a stray ear or cold nose peeking from under warm covers. I will remember her excitement in anticipation of our long daily strolls in the woods near our home. And her love of chasing rabbits by leaps and bounds in our rural backyard - and she didn’t let her short legs slow her down… I believe the term is “built low to the ground for speed.”
Tucker was so much more to us than just a pet; she was a beloved and precious family member and companion whose death has left us heartbroken. One of her favorite pastimes was indulging in a belly-up wiggle in the grass during a frequent fit of silliness that left us laughing every single time. I can still smell her sweet lingering scent, and feel the happy warmth of her presence all around. We will never-ever forget our little golden girl, and though our hearts ache today, we eagerly anticipate a time of God’s choosing when we will see her running on strong legs to greet us with those big beautiful, soulful eyes and her silly, happy smile.
My Golden Girl (John Pete)
Big beautiful brown, trusting eyes …
Soft flowing golden curls ….
Kind, gentle, knowing soul…
My beautiful, beloved Golden Girl
What is the deep love and spiritual connection we develop with our pets? Is it because they are so eager to love and please their human companions? Is it the laughter and joy they bring into our lives? Is it because they often greet us with the same unbridled enthusiasm whether we are absent for a half-hour or for a day? Is it the unwavering and non-judgmental loyalty? Is it the desire humans and pet companions have to nurture another? Yes, it is all of the above.
Each year, millions of people bring pet companions into their lives and households, while others simply acquire domestic animals. We who acquire them decide the role they will play in our lives and our homes, and to deny them the love and companionship they are so eager to share with us is unconscionable. Anyone who has seen an animal cower in fear or rejoice at the slightest attention knows that animals experience very real emotions.
Simply put, if you cannot devote hours each day as a caring companion and caregiver to a pet (medical care, grooming, exercise, feeding, etc.), please buy goldfish if you must have a pet. If security and protection is your first consideration, get an alarm system instead of sentencing a pet to a life of outdoor isolation. And if you work a full-time job but still want a pet, you must consider taking on the responsibility of two-pets who can keep each other company while you are away all day. You must consider what you will do when you travel and the implications of such things as the inevitable kennel cough when boarding animals. And “happy hour” with and frequent nights out with friends are a thing of the past. Think of it as having a child at home waiting for you, relying on you, and trusting you will be there for them.
Being a pet owner is a huge commitment that will last for years and incur great ongoing financial costs. And at the end of your pet’s life, you will need to be there to say a very painful goodbye to a precious family member. But the rewards often continue to surprise even experienced pet-owners. And when we lose them and know that, despite the pain of our loss, we would do it all over again; we can find comfort in the fact that we had the privilege of being their companion.