The Pieta - A Mother’s Day Message

(by Rev. Charles T. Rubey)  The Pieta is on display in St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. It is one of the more famous pieces of sculpture created by Michelangelo. It depicts Mary holding the crucified body of Jesus. This mother’s heart is broken as she views her child’s broken body. I thought of this piece of art and how appropriate it is as we celebrate Mother’s Day in May. This piece of art symbolizes mothers who are grieving the death of a child, or children grieving the death of a mother or a mother figure. The hearts of people are broken as they grieve the loss of a loved one from suicide. Michelangelo’s Pieta can certainly capture the feelings of all mothers on Mother’s Day-actually, all grieving people grieving the loss of a loved one from suicide.

During this article I am referring to one’s soul. By that I mean that part of us that has the will to live. I am using soul as that spiritual part of each and every one of us. I do not mean nor am I judging one’s soul or one’s eternal destiny. The word “soul” has different meanings and I want you to be aware of precisely what I mean. The soul is affected and that is the reason that the pain is not so apparent. One does not wear a brace around one’s soul or one does not put a cast on one’s soul. The soul is that invisible part of each and every one of us.

People grieving the death of a loved one from suicide have broken hearts because a life has gone from their midst in such a sudden and tragic way.  A broken heart results from someone’s broken soul. Their illness has destroyed the workings of their souls. Their souls, once lively and vibrant, have become engulfed in pain due to mental illness. Their vision and interpretation is that their souls are broken beyond repair and there is only one option open for them and that is to take their lives. The pain has become so intense and unbearable that these broken souls can no longer endure life any more. They leave in their wake a long line of broken hearts who are forever changed and altered.

Oftentimes people get angry or bitter because a loved one has “done this to our family”. The pain of mental illness had taken over this person’s life. They were totally consumed by this pain. They could not for moments consider what the impact of their suicide would be on their loved ones. The last days or weeks were spent being consumed with this horrible and awful pain. There was no evil intent or desire to inflict survivors with broken hearts. Those completing suicide had broken souls and this condition prevented them from comprehending the impact of their action. It is important to realize that a person completes suicide not because they want to cause their loved ones pain. They complete suicide because they have run out of steam and they are tired of this enduring pain.  There is no repairing these wounded souls. The way to escape this life of unending and excruciating pain is to complete suicide. From broken souls come broken hearts-The Pieta.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day this year, let us especially remember the mothers in our LOSS family as well as those members who are grieving the loss of a mother or grandmother. This is an especially painful day for them. Please also remember all of those people who died due to a broken soul. Let us never forget them or their struggles.

Keep On Keepin’ On!
Rev. Charles T. Rubey

Got Faith? by John Pete

WHAT IS FAITH, BY THE WAY? It’s a simple question, right? Maybe not… Faith can mean many things to many people, and whatever one’s personal beliefs, they should be respected as everyone’s journey is their own. This is reflected in our everyday life experiences, including grieving the loss of a loved one. And regardless of those beliefs, we all have the opportunity to comfort and support one another in the most important aspect of our lives – the here and the now.

Most of us have an inner faith of some sort, including the strong conviction by some that there is nothing beyond this life. And even this belief, as related to loss and grief, can provide comfort to the person who is grieving.

Following are some interesting excerpts of various societal definitions of faith.

 

Source: Dictionary.Com: 1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability. 2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

 

Source: New Catholic Encyclopedia: An assent of the mind to the truth of some proposition of the word of another, God or man. Divine faith is therefore the holding of some truth as absolutely certain because God, Who can neither deceive nor be deceived, has spoken it. Without faith no man can be saved.

 

Source: Manual of Buddhist Terms and Doctrines (Nyanntiloka): A Buddhist’s faith is not in conflict with the spirit of inquiry, and “doubt about dubitable things” is admitted and inquiry into them is encouraged. The ‘faculty of faith’ should be balanced with that of wisdom. Through wisdom and understanding, faith becomes an inner certainty and firm conviction based on one’s own experience.

 

Source: Martin Luther (Luther’s German Bible of 1522): Faith cannot help doing good works constantly. It doesn’t stop to ask if good works ought to be done, but before anyone asks, it already has done them and continues to do them without ceasing.  Anyone who does not do good works in this manner is an unbeliever.  He stumbles around and looks for faith and good works, even though he does not know what faith or good works are. Yet he gossips and chatters about faith and good works with many words.

 

Source: Kabbalah (Luther’s German Bibleof 1522): Faith (Emuna) is the quality of bestowal, which enables you to see a different world. It’s a different sense of perception, where you perceive outside of yourself, above your personal calculations. This is the reason why people who have faith change completely. On the other hand, you are defining faith as believing in something somebody said. In other words, you believe that what you heard is a fact. Since it is a science, Kabbalah denies such an approach. In Kabbalah, you accept something in order to test it yourself. To acquire faith means to acquire a screen, the ability to feel, define, and measure sensations that are tuned to bestowal and love.

 

For those who believe that there is simply nothing more when we die, may find comfort in the thought of non-existence with no more physical or emotional pain or daily struggles. And those who believe in a creator often use their faith as a basis of sustenance in the face of personal human adversity and a reason for the ‘here and now,’ which gives hope for eternal evolution as spiritual beings.

 

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

The Cookie Jar by John Pete

When I was about 23-years old I was visiting my grandparents on the farm where they lived in Texas, and my grandmother, with whom I had always been especially close, took me aside and asked me if there was something special I would like from her personal belongings to remember her by when she died. I was a somewhat taken aback by the mere thought or possiblity of her dying - ever, but I knew the answer to her question immediately - The Cookie Jar. My grandmother had a “smiling bear cub” cookie jar with a green old-fashined “cap” for a lid on the kitcher counter for as far back into my childhood as I could remember. And it was always filled with homemade or store bought cookies, candy or other delicious treats.

That uncomplicated time early in my life is a much cherished era, and I have always felt a special bond between grandma’s cookie jar and countless happy childhood memories spent with my grandparents. So I was pleasantly surprised as I packed to return home the next morning, when my grandmother boxed up the cookie jar and handed it to me, saying she wanted me to have it now while she was still alive. I didn’t protest too much, and still cherish Grandma’s cookie jar to this very day, over 20-years later. 

Oftentimes late at night, from my early childhood to late teen years, after everyone had gone to bed, Grandma would bring out her secret stash of cookies or other goodies from the cookie jar with a clever smile as if we were sharing a special secret, then she would share riveting stories steeped in superstition and old family traditions as we snuggled up together to watch old movies, often until she nodded off next to me. Then one night when I was about 17-years old my grandma took my hand and said “Juanito” as she often called me, “I am getting old now, but I am not afraid to die.” Then she quickly added, “But I will let you know I am okay when I die.” And even then I knew she had spoken these words for my sake more than her own; to offer me words of comfort for what was to be inevitable. And that was that. If she said it, I believed without question that it was true. It was that simple.   

In 1989 my beloved grandmother passed away after a series of strokes and complications due to diabetes. And for as long as I live I will remember every detail of that day… My grandmother lookingso peaceful and looking so much younger in the casket than her seventy-years. I remember the hearbreaking scene when my grandfather broke down at the sight of her lying in state. And I remember the long drive to the small country cemetery in Texas where she is buried, and the most beautiful sky I have ever seen streaked with brilliant hues of orange and red and yellow and turquoise blue, following a brief spring rainshower. And I remember the familial unity as our clan gathered to say a heartbreaking goodbye to our much loved family member.  

Soon after the burial I flew home feeling and deep empty sadness that went beyond anything I had ever felt before. Since I was in the process of moving into a new house with two roommates, things were a bit hectic and yet I felt as if I was going through the motions of daily life, devoid of any happiness.

Then late one night, a few days after returning from trhe funeral, I carefully unpacked Grandma’s special cookie jar at my new home and placed it in a safe spot atop the refrigerator, and as almost as an afterthought I said “goodnight grandma” and turned to leave the room. Almost instantly the kitchen lights went completely off for two or three seconds, then came back on and I felt a kind of energy surrounding where I was standing. After a few moments of surprise and exhiliration, I loud woke up my roommates - and probably several neighbors, as well as I excitedly recanted my grandmother’s promise and what had just occurred. I knew instantly and without doubt that my dear grandmother had kept her promise to let me know she was okay from the other side, just as she told me she would years before.

Even today, all these years later, I sometimes feel my grandmother nearby when I smell the sweet scent of her flowery perfume from out of nowhere, or hear the welcome echos of stories from long ago nudging into my thoughts. And in response, I have comefully understand and appreciate the words spoken by St. John, who said, “He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are.” 

Rest in peace, Grandma. I look forward to a joyous reunion one day.

 

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

One Day I Decided To Quit… by Donna W

My daughter Dawn, passed away from a third bout of leukemia on August 12, 2007 at the age of 36. She suffered from it as a child at 13 and beat it but after 20 years it reappeared. She fought a very courageous battle. I’ll always love her and miss her!

Here is a little story that she found and thought a lot about. I read it in her honor at the “Celebration of Life” we had for her. I think the story tells it like it is. The author is unknown. (Submitted by Donna W)

Evolution of the Soul

By John Pete — I have often encountered people who question the purpose of life, especially following a sad loss in their lives. As a spiritual person I too have questioned our purpose and the existence of God and why bad things happen. And as everyone must, I have come to many of my own conclusions based on my personal experiences, and sometimes the experiences of others.

The answer for me is about gathering. From the beginning of our lives, we are filling a metaphorical basket with all the good and bad things we encounter in life; things that we carry with us, or discard along the way. As our experiences make us wiser, we begin to discard more and more of the negative things in our basket and focus on gathering those that are good and nurturing. In the end, the things which we have chosen to gather and keep with us become a reflection of who we are, who we have become as a spiritual beings.

At the end of our days, I believe, we will take with us that which we have gathered as we continue the evolution of our souls, much like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

Gathering the things that nurture our spirits is what we can all strive for every day of our journey on this earth. The real question is, can you be happy with what you have gathered when this life is over and you rejoin your loved ones? As spiritual beings, these soulful reflections can show us who we will be when we leave this life behind for the next.

 

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

Faith & Suicide

Having lost loved ones to suicide, I am deeply saddened and feel abandoned when the Christian faith I look to for support and comfort judge and condemn victims of suicides. While I certainly do not support or advocate suicide, nowhere in The Holy Bible does it exclude from Heaven our loved ones who have taken their own lives. In fact, Jesus said the only unforgivable sin was blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, so I am often mystified by seemingly-sanctimonious condemnations of suicide victims on “God’s behalf.” After all, would any loving and compassionate father forever turn away from his child for making a choice borne of deep anguish and pain? You decide… I have my answer.

While everyone must draw their own conclusions at day’s end, I for one do not believe even for a millisecond, that God excludes from Heaven our loved ones who have taken their own lives in anguish and pain, and it is truly disheartening to me that anyone could.

“We are saved by grace, not by confession of our sin.” (Matthew 12:31)

Christian religions teach that God is full of love, compassion and mercy, and as we place our faith and trust in Him, we must do so absolutely. And to believe that suicide is self-murder, is to oversimplify a very painful and complicated situation. Suicide is never a good choice, but it is a reality that will continue to pervade our society for all time. Thankfully, it does seem that a growing number of western religious leaders are beginning to faithfully support the belief that mentally or terminally ill suicides will be shown mercy by God in response to their suffering.

If you are contemplating suicide you MUST immediately pick up the phone and seek help. Please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at (1-800-273-TALK) or 911 and contact a family member, friend, hospital or minister right away to get the help you need and deserve.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

The Grief And Belief Connection

“Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to take away our healing. And learning about life after death helps us heal with greater hope, comfort and peace.” ~ Bob Olson

In approximately five years of investigating the possibility of life after death, I have discovered convincing evidence that there really is an afterlife, that we really do continue to exist after death, and that our loved ones continue to watch over us and guide us in the spirit world. But this is just the beginning of my discoveries. Read more