How Do We Cope When We Lose A Loved One?

Some people live in denial when a loved one dies, others feel that it should have been them that died, not a young child or a baby. It’s ok to cry, to stay in bed or isolate ourselves because some things help us to heal. It is repressing our grief that is harmful and unhealthy.

My faith in the resurrection hope helps me to cope with death. I am an avid reader of God’s word, the Bible and I always share scriptures containing this hope with those I visit in hospitals, nursing homes and hospices. I will share some of those scriptures at the end of this article. I am not afraid of death.

Writing poetry, letters and just talking about my dead loved ones, also helps me to cope. Sometimes, I will look at some old pictures of the deceased.

We can pray for ones who have lost loved ones in death. Our prayers can include, asking God to give them strength to cope with death. Being a good listener to ones who have lost a loved in death is truly rewarding because a person is centered on helping another person, rather than thinking about themselves, or their own problems. The Bible has many scriptures that mention the resurrection of young, old, men and women. Reading these scriptures brings strength and hope to the reader. I read my Bible daily.

Source: NWT of the Holy Scriptures. Acts 24:15-John 11:25-James 4:8-Psalms 34:18-Romans 12:12-Revelation 21:3,4

www.evehall.com

 

Finding Joy in a World of Losses

Everything that lives in this world will die. That is a fact of life. From the moment we are born we begin a journey that ends the same for every human being. And along the way, we will lose many, many things. Time, loved ones, beloved pets, material gains… So in the midst of so much loss, how do we, how can we persist and thrive?

You have noticed by now how different people are. Some are bubbly and upbeat much of the time, while others are sullen and negative. Most of us live somewhere in between. So how is it some people cope so much better with life’s ups and downs than others? Why does handling adversity seem to come so much easier to some people?

Let’s say for argument’s sake that everyone has a choice how they respond to life. And, once we truly embrace that belief, we can make different choices to affect different responses. When someone insults you or hurts you, spend a brief time examining what was really hurtful to you and why. Then address it, if necessary, and put it behind you. When someone dies, address it through your grief and embrace the healing. At the same time, proactively seek joy in the face of adversity, even if in tiny amounts. If you believe you will see your loved ones again one day, then reinforce that with activities that promote your beliefs. If you believe at the end of this life there is nothing else, then embrace the peace of that finality. In both cases allow joy back into your life with a certainty born of your own beliefs. 

There is a saying that if you go looking for trouble, you will most surely find it. And I would offer the same prophesy for attaining joy. Try it. Try a different way. Seek peace, healing and joy in the midst of pain and adversity. Allow yourself to embrace your mortality by filling in your fears with joy instead of fear. Will it be easy? Probably not. But it is possible. 

John Pete is the founder of www.MyGriefSpace.net

A Spiritual Connection To Our Pet Companions

Picture the humorous sight of a Golden Retriever with short, little Corgi legs and you have a glimpse of our precious Tucker, who died February 21, 2009 at age 16 1/2. Tucker was truly a ray of sunshine in our lives. She was always there to greet us at the door with her big brown trusting eyes, an enthusiastic wag of her tail, and a bark of elation as if we were returning from a long journey instead of an hour or two away from home. Little did she know that we were as eager to see her as she was to see us.

I will always remember Tucker for being very content to snuggle under the blankets with me on countless cold winter nights; and the humorous site of only a stray ear or cold nose peeking from under warm covers. I will remember her excitement in anticipation of our long daily strolls in the woods near our home. And her love of chasing rabbits by leaps and bounds in our rural backyard - and she didn’t let her short legs slow her down… I believe the term is “built low to the ground for speed.”

Tucker was so much more to us than just a pet; she was a beloved and precious family member and companion whose death has left us heartbroken. One of her favorite pastimes was indulging in a belly-up wiggle in the grass during a frequent fit of silliness that left us laughing every single time. I can still smell her sweet lingering scent, and feel the happy warmth of her presence all around. We will never-ever forget our little golden girl, and though our hearts ache today, we eagerly anticipate a time of God’s choosing when we will see her running on strong legs to greet us with those big beautiful, soulful eyes and her silly, happy smile.

My Golden Girl (John Pete)

Big beautiful brown, trusting eyes …
Soft flowing golden curls ….
Kind, gentle, knowing soul…
My beautiful, beloved Golden Girl 

 

What is the deep love and spiritual connection we develop with our pets? Is it because they are so eager to love and please their human companions? Is it the laughter and joy they bring into our lives? Is it because they often greet us with the same unbridled enthusiasm whether we are absent for a half-hour or for a day? Is it the unwavering and non-judgmental loyalty? Is it the desire humans and pet companions have to nurture another? Yes, it is all of the above.

Each year, millions of people bring pet companions into their lives and households, while others simply acquire domestic animals. We who acquire them decide the role they will play in our lives and our homes, and to deny them the love and companionship they are so eager to share with us is unconscionable. Anyone who has seen an animal cower in fear or rejoice at the slightest attention knows that animals experience very real emotions.

Simply put, if you cannot devote hours each day as a caring companion and caregiver to a pet (medical care, grooming, exercise, feeding, etc.), please buy goldfish if you must have a pet. If security and protection is your first consideration, get an alarm system instead of sentencing a pet to a life of outdoor isolation. And if you work a full-time job but still want a pet, you must consider taking on the responsibility of two-pets who can keep each other company while you are away all day. You must consider what you will do when you travel and the implications of such things as the inevitable kennel cough when boarding animals. And “happy hour” with and frequent nights out with friends are a thing of the past. Think of it as having a child at home waiting for you, relying on you, and trusting you will be there for them.

Being a pet owner is a huge commitment that will last for years and incur great ongoing financial costs. And at the end of your pet’s life, you will need to be there to say a very painful goodbye to a precious family member. But the rewards often continue to surprise even experienced pet-owners. And when we lose them and know that, despite the pain of our loss, we would do it all over again; we can find comfort in the fact that we had the privilege of being their companion.

 

From Heartbreak to Happiness, by Aurora Winter

(Note: “From Heartbreak To Happiness” reprinted with permission by Aurora Winter)

Most of us are looking for love in all the wrong places. When a relationship ends, whether it be through divorce, death, or break-up, most people rush out to find someone new. I know — I have done it myself! After my 33-year-old husband died suddenly, I yearned to find a new husband … and someone to be a father figure for our four-year-old son. But the truth is, we can’t just plop a new person into the hole in our hearts left by the loss of someone we loved. We have to first heal the hole in our own hearts … and then, from that healed place, we will inevitably attract the perfect partner. But how do we heal our broken hearts? The following four steps will dramatically accelerate your journey through heartbreak to happiness. This is what works for me when I am confronted by any kind of heartbreak, and what I share with my clients now as a grief recovery counselor.

1) EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS

This first step comes naturally to most people. It is very important to express what you are feeling … not what you “should” be feeling. Don’t be kind. Don’t be spiritual. Tell the truth … and release it. It is only your truth for that moment, anyway. I expressed my feelings in my journal, and that may work for you, too, or you can express your feelings to a friend or therapist. Unexpressed feelings are like food poisoning. If you stuff your feelings, you get to keep them. Imagine two people who go out for sushi, and they both get food poisoning. One of them throws up … and lives. The other “stuffs it”… and dies. It may not be pretty, but it is absolutely essential that you get whatever is bothering you out of your system.

2) ACCEPT THE SITUATION

When you truly, deeply accept the situation, and I mean accept it as if you had chosen it, you will release all “victim” energy. Thoughts and feelings that you have been victimized repel happiness.

In my case, I was blessed with a dream on the second anniversary of my husband’s death. In this dream, I met my husband at the airport and raged, “How could you rip my heart out? How could you die beside me?” I confronted him with his ultimate betrayal, “How could you leave our son without his father?!”
In this dream, my late husband asked me three questions. “If you had it to do all over again, would you still marry me?”

I thought for just a moment, flooded with happy memories. I would take my time with him, though it be short. “Yes.”

“If you had it to do all over again, would you still have our son?” This time the answer was quicker, surer. He’s the light of my life, my joy, my blessing! “Yes!”

And then he asked the final question, “Given that, would you want to know that I would die young?”

His question gave me pause. Would I choose to taint our joy with dread? I looked into my heart, and after a long moment, realized the answer. “No.”

This dream changed my life. I was freed from the idea that I was a victim of fate. You can free yourself, too, by simply imagining the possibility that you were spared a much worse fate. Once you accept your “lemons,” you can make lemonade.

3) FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOURSELF

Forgiveness is a challenging concept for many people, so let me walk you through two levels of forgiveness, from beginner to advanced. If forgiveness is challenging for you, let us be clear that forgiveness is not the same as condoning.

Forgiveness means “giving up the hope for a different or better yesterday.” Yesterday isn’t going to change. Why continue to give yourself pain over what happened yesterday? Forgiveness isn’t a gift you give to another person — forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. You free yourself from the tyranny of the thought that yesterday should be different. Yesterday is never going to change … no matter how much you beat yourself up with the idea that it should have been different. Give yourself a gift by forgiving everyone everything … including yourself, the other people involved, and God.

At a much more advanced level, when you deeply forgive, the thoughts that were causing you pain simply evaporate. You discover that there is nothing left to forgive. This is true freedom. For example, for a long time I held the thought, “My husband’s death is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” That thought caused incredible pain and suffering. But was that thought even true? When I forgave my husband for dying, forgave God for stealing him away from me, and forgave myself for being such a horrible person that God would do such a terrible thing to me, the whole thing simply evaporated. I realized my late husband gave me two priceless gifts. The first was our son. The second was the experience of having my heart broken … and then opened. It has profoundly changed me in ways I appreciate. It made me who I am today.

Through death, my late husband was my greatest spiritual teacher. I am grateful for everything he taught me. I am grateful that I now have an open heart. An open heart is love. An open heart naturally, spontaneously, radiates and attracts love. Perhaps your greatest spiritual teacher is not some guru in a cave in India. Perhaps your greatest spiritual teacher is the person you are living with … or your ex?

4) SAY GOOD-BYE

Rituals bring closure and resolution. Before you hang up the phone, you say “good-bye.” At the end of a relationship, you need to say “good-bye” also. It does not mean good-bye forever, it just means that this particular telephone call, this particular chapter in our relationship, has ended.

If you don’t say good-bye to the old, you don’t make room for something new…whether that be a new form of relationship with the same person, or a new relationship with someone else. It’s like cleaning out your closet. If your closet is stuffed full of old clothes you don’t wear, there is no room for new clothes. In the same way, if you don’t release your old loves, there is no room for new love.

So it is very important to say goodbye, whether it is a formal event like a divorce or a funeral, or a private ritual that you create. When you say “good-bye” to the old, you make room for the new. When you say good-bye to the past, you welcome in the present moment. And being fully present in the here and now is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

In summary, instead of looking for love in all the wrong places (i.e. outside of yourself), first look within and do the work required to heal your own heart. Accelerate your own journey from heartbreak to happiness by:

1) expressing your feelings,
2) accepting the situation as if you had chosen it,
3) forgiving everyone everything, including yourself, and
4) saying good-bye.

Healing a broken heart requires work, but you are worth it! As you express your feelings, accept the situation, forgive everyone, and say good-bye, you will find yourself feeling lighter, freer, and happier. From that place, don’t be surprised if your soulmate shows up!

Aurora Winter is the Founder of www.GriefCoachAcademy.com,  a speaker, and the author of “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing”. You can get the complimentary ebook version of this book at www.stages-of-grief.com 

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “I have read every page of this beautiful diary — it touched my heart and I know it will impact yours.”

For more information, visit: www.FromHeartbreakToHappiness.com

The Phoenix by Marie Debellis-Sanchez

I sit here alone. My husband, 40 years of age and in the prime of his life ended his life last year by suicide. I feel like I am just beginning to emerge from some dark fog that has held my heart, soul and mind prisoner. Today, I sit alone, one child away on a date, one at a friends. A few years back I could have never imagined this would be my life, but here I am alone. I have often referred to my life on this journey of grief as being thrown in a fire. For a time I was in the midst of hell; the flames almost having a personality of their own. At times trying ever so hard to pull me into the burning embers. Each day has presented itself with a new struggle, a new obstacle to conquer. Being alone, I have had to become a jack of all trades, a handy woman if you will. A testament that one can stand alone even when they have been pushed to the breaking point. My journey through grief may not be unusual by any standards, but it is my journey through the flames and how I hope to emerge like a Phoenix with a loving heart, healthy soul and strong mind.

(Written: July 29th, 2008)

One Day I Decided To Quit… by Donna W

My daughter Dawn, passed away from a third bout of leukemia on August 12, 2007 at the age of 36. She suffered from it as a child at 13 and beat it but after 20 years it reappeared. She fought a very courageous battle. I’ll always love her and miss her!

Here is a little story that she found and thought a lot about. I read it in her honor at the “Celebration of Life” we had for her. I think the story tells it like it is. The author is unknown. (Submitted by Donna W)

Rebalancing After Loss

I believe in some ways grief must be like losing a limb. In the aftermath, you have lost something you can never get back, and each new day thereafter, brings one sad reminder of your loss after another. You suddenly are faced with the stark realization that whatever or whomever is missing, was so necessary to your daily being; to a degree that you likely never had to contemplate before.

In order to move forward after a profound loss, we must work to rebalance our lives. And in order to accomplish this we my painfully change the focal point from what is missing to what is not; with the goal that we will someday be whole again.

John Pete, GC-C is the founder of MyGriefSpace.Net Peer Support Community and Blogger for OpenToHopeFaith.com Spiritual Blog site.  

A Tribute To Ellie

Ellie Valdez Honeyman has touched and inspired very many lives. She was one of those rare souls whom others are always happy to encounter, even if just in passing and to share a quick hello. She had a natural way of always leaving other feeling uplifted, and I know those who had the privilege of knowing her will always remember that.

Ellie died earlier this week after a very courageous battle with cancer. And the tremendous number of lives she touched in her lifetime ranged from those who loved her dearly, to a large community of friends who were deeply touched reading about her brave and valiant battle with her terrible cancer which became yet another inspiring testament of just ”who” she was.

I met Ellie many years ago when we both worked at Laradon Hall School and Vocational Center for children and adults with developmental disabilities. Ellie headed the Laradon Early Education Program (LEEP), while I worked in the adult vocational center. And although we rarely worked directly together,  she frequently contributed to the monthly newsletter which I coordinated. As anyone who knew her will quickly tell you, no project was ever too big or too small for Ellie, and she tackled every single one with commitment and determination and was a joy to work with.

A few months ago (Summer 2008), a group of “alumni” employees put together a reunion picnic at Laradon Hall so we could reconnect with old friends and co-workers. Ellie attended with her family, and although the toll of the cancer was evident, it is more notable that she was her usual cheerful self that we all remembered so well. I was reminded of just how remarkable a person she truly was; always full of joy and optimism, and how that had not changed even as she bravely faced her cancer and her mortality.

Ellie generously chronicled her personal journey with cancer in a weekly blog, and true to her nature, she continued to be active in the community right up until her passing. Her faith and optimism as she battled the terrible disease that invaded her body and life was awe-inspiring to witness.  

Today I pay tribute and thank Ellie, not only for myself, but also on behalf of the countless others who were blessed and inspired by having known her. She will be fondly remembered and sadly missed by the countless people who are better for having known her.

Read More About Ellie Here

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.MyGriefSpace.Net

Understanding Your Grief

Grieving is part of the realities of life. Losing a loved one is one of the most painful and profound losses of all. Every one of us has experienced or will experience grief at some time in our lives. It is a devastating feeling of sadness and loss. Often times this process is accompanied by physical aches, pains and even serious illness.

Grieving for someone we love is human nature. Even with the realization that life terminates with death, we are never really prepared to lose someone we love. Just the thought of losing somebody we love can send a shiver down our spines and maybe tears to our eyes. According to experts, no one can be fully prepared for the full impact of the death of a loved one and the emotional strain that accompanies it. We often go into the denial of the accepting death and our grief. This modern world, has left us little to prepare ourselves for death and grief. We rely so much on major medical advances that sometimes these make us believe that we can cheat death with the miracles of modern medicine. When these fail us, we are left devastated and sometimes unable to cope.

Understanding the grieving process is important in helping someone cope with it, learn and grow from the experience.

Experts say that we usually go through three predictable stages of grief when we lose someone dear to us.

First is the initial stage of shock, numbness and denial. Shock is the very first reaction to a major loss. It is during this stage that we refuse to believe that somebody we love just left us in this world. The person experiencing this stage is in a trance-like state and will sometimes rationalize that the death of his loved one isn’t real and everything is a dream. There is a physical state of alarm with the person experiencing sweaty palms, icy fingers, trembling and disorientation. Usually the level of shock or trauma depends on how the death occurred and where and when it happened. Death caused by long standing illnesses might trigger lesser shock than those totally unexpected deaths probably due to accidents and homicides.

The second stage is anger, helplessness, depression, guilt and fear. During this stage there is already awareness of the person’s loss. The person experiencing this stage usually exhibits strong emotion and uncontrollable weeping. She may start to long for the dead person and since there is no fulfillment in the longing, she may feel deep frustration. A feeling of anger towards herself, the dead person and her friends may arise. Guilt and fear may also accompany her anger. A lot of questions might come up during this period. Could she have done something to prevent the death? Could she have been kinder and more caring during the person’s lifetime? Now that she is left alone, what will become of her?

The turning point of the grieving process and the final stage is the period of Acceptance and Adjustment. During this period, the grieving person starts to feel more energy and less sadness. She starts to participate more willingly in life. New activities, interests, job or even a vacation will initiate the final healing phase of grief. During this period the grieving person starts to take control of herself and starts to make changes in her life, making decisions not involving her lost loved one. Acceptance and adjustment may come a long way. It is not an overnight change. It varies among individuals depending on their capacity to adapt to changes. For some people it may take just a few months, for others, maybe a year or more. Those who have successfully moved on and rebuild their lives come to accept their loss and the realities of life. They have reclaimed their lives for themselves and in the memory of those whom they loved.

Michael Russell

Your Independent guide to Grief and Loss

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Russell

Grief Support: The Don’ts

1) Don’t try to make the grieving person feel better. YOU CANNOT. For many grievers it only serves to make them feel guilty or worse. Grievers MUST experience the pain of grief for healing to ultimately occur.

2) Don’t tell the griever to give it time. Time has stopped for the griever. Life proceeds in slow motion. Life is too surreal to be identified with time. Read more